Daughter turning 21

So my oldest daughter has just turned 21.  The fact that she has towered over me since the age of 14/15 is irrelevant.
But 21 makes me feel old. 
In my head i am still young but how can i deny it now, the years do not lie!!

Another birthday, another milestone achieved.  

Very slowly things begin to change.  

The learning to drive and gaining independence.  

The earning there own wages and not needing to ask for handouts to get by.

This is growing up and inevitably results in moving out and them getting married and hopefully having kids of there own.

These are things I know will happen as they are getting older.  But looking at them upside down on their beds watching YouTube or playing the PlayStation or making pizza in the kitchen I have a funny feeling that I have a few more years to go..

My favourite thing is being a mum.  

They drive me crazy make me laugh and yes sometimes they make me cry, but the thought of them not being here makes my heart ache.

MY CRAZY DOG!!

So for my 40th birthday my husband said I could have the dog of my dreams. 

It sounds funny now but I had been devastated when we lost our lurcher at nearly 15 years old on mothers day a few years before and our remaining bitch missed having another dog around.

So Internet research was underway as I had three kids and triple that in other people's kids coming round all the time it would have to be a sociable playful dog of medium size.

Originally I wanted an airdale as they are fabulous dogs but my husband pointed out that it would in fact be a large terrier and not suitable with leaving the gate open and kids coming and going all the time.

So back to the drawing board we went.

Our lurcher had been a spaniel x greyhound and our bitch is a pointer x greyhound so a gundog breed seemed the obvious choice.

A decision was made.

I contacted all the breeders and got advice and located a pup in Wales.  A German wire haired pointer. 
Unfortunately due to circumstances out of our control this wasn't meant to be and we didn't get him.  I was very upset as these pups just weren't available often.

Then my husband received a call from a friend to say that he knew of a litter in Dover.   The parents were both owned by a family and could be seen and they had a huge litter.  The only problem is they didn't know if they would be rough or smooth coated.

At this point I had a name and everything picked out Mactavish if he had whiskers or Mac if he was smooth.  Original I know!!

But time flew round and we received regular updates on his progress and at 7 weeks and 4 days we went to get him.

It was an uneventful journey and we arrived about lunchtime to collect him.  The breeder showed us the parents who were friendly and calm and even the grandparents that he had wandering around.

Then he took us to the back garden through a side gate to a small garden area with a large kennel and shed at the rear.  Inside was 9 puppies all running around playing.  "CAN YOU SEE HIM" he asked me above the noise.  But I couldn't see my Mac as he wasn't there.  Then he opened the gate and said to me to come in and I did.
It was caos with puppies jumping and fighting for attention.  Then a flap of carpet lifted and I saw Mac for the first time.  He was bigger than I had expected and was covered in wrinkles all down his face.  He was busily collecting all the bones and hiding them inside!!
I fell head over heals for him at that moment. 

He was then and still is now my chocolate monster.
He was the funniest pup and is still entertaining now.  Though he became enormous.

Writing things down........

Hello again, I know it has been a while.....

My life is just crazyness with no real pattern or routine at the moment.

I have to write things down in my phone and on the calendar to ever have a hope of remembering things.

Could this be old age peeking round the door or middle age just taking a firm grip?

I am not sure but I cannot remember anything!!  I hope someone out there can relate as it feels there is so much going on and I struggle to keep up.

I am as I have said before, a stay at home mum.  I have three teenagers who run me ragged and one of them at present isn't well, but we won't go into that.
I have parents that do not drive so find myself taking them places on a regular basis, which I don't mind, but can be time consuming.
I also have an elderly neighbor in her 90's that I try to check in with on a regular basis as her family live miles away.
So with this and the animals I am always doing something.

Don't get me wrong I love my life and I am very lucky to have it.

But I do forget things.  It's hard to remember your own dentist, doctor, hospital, vets and other appointments, let alone remember everyone else's.

My kids have dentist and orthodontist and  my  parents have hospital appointments at two different hospitals, plus blood tests and scans and stuff.

Not to mention haircuts and prom........

It used to be easy to remember play dates and stuff, but now it's so much harder...........oh to be young again!!!

Nonsense!!

So another load of my life.....

What can I say today that would be any different from the day before?

I woke up in a good mood, tired as usual but happy.

Then........I had to awaken the teens and this is where it all went pear shaped.

For those of you with lovely chubby babies and slightly stroppy toddlers, this will soon be your life!!

Don't get me wrong I could strangle the lot of them most of the time, but I couldn't be without them. They have good days and bad days......Monday to Friday are bad days and the weekend is normally good!!

Do you see a pattern forming anywhere..?

Basically they are good if they don't have to do anything or be anywhere at a certain time.  They struggle with discipline and time keeping and sleeping at night ( though have expert proficiency at day time sleeping), getting up is also a struggle....Oh speaking so others can understand doesn't come easy either.

I as so many other mums could just go on and on and on!!

We are at the exam stage at the moment and trying to stress how sleep and a good diet might help the situation is just falling on deaf ears.  They know everything and we know nothing!!

I can unfortunately remember these conversations with my own parents.  It did not end well!!

And I like so many parents just want our kids to do well, do better, just do good....

What to do?  They are all different and individual.  They have their own needs and worries (which they normally don't like to share with us) so a universal fix is unavailable.

I would like someone to create a do over button for when you are having a bad day.  Sometimes it's just one sentence that finishes my day!!  To have that button to push and rephrase your words would be great for my house.  I WANT ONE!!

I like many, have a bad habit of saying what I am thinking, normally before I have finished thinking about it properly.  You know when your teens are hopping up and down and you say  " you need to stop acting like a 3 year old" when you know they just want to be grown up.
But again it just slips out and gets an explosive reaction, when at 3 they were still cuddly and adorable the majority of the time.  So why say it?
I find I say things when I am getting frustrated!!

I am not the best parent in the world and would never claim to be, but I try my hardest to get it right.
I am always here for my kids even when I have no idea what they want me to do!!
I just find it is getting harder to cope with the older they are getting....And to be honest sometimes I don't have a clue!!

But I will never give up on them and will always be here to rant, when they get it wrong and encourage any interest they have and hold them when they cry and fall.
To pick them back up and help them to achieve what I know they are all capable of with a little guidance along the way and most of all to be here to love them always and try to understand what ever life has instore for them.

Being a mum is just what I do!!! x x

My sister

She wasn't perfect in any way and I won't start saying she was, but she was and will always be my big sister.  The person who would always put me straight.

The fact is that she was the bravest person I have ever known.
The way she dealt with her illness and worried about all of us at the same time, amazing.  I would ring her everyday to talk about nonsense and rant about stuff and she was always there for me.  She just wanted life to be normal and for us to not treat her like she was ill.

She sadly lost her battle with cancer on 25th December 2013 and was surrounded by us all in the hospice when she passed.  She was determined to spend Christmas with us and she did.

At the time it was awful, but looking back I am glad we spent her last moments on earth together as a family.

That Christmas has got to be the worst one ever for us all and will probably cast a shadow over Christmas from now on if we let it.  But I know she wouldn't have wanted that.

My husband and three children have been the major part of what's got me through this year, they have cried with me and made me endless cups of coffee and just shut the door when I had a meltdown.
My husband has just held me when I needed to just get it out and I don't know what I would have done without him.
I still have days when I just cry because of the stupidest things.  Sister cards in the shop, clothes I know she would have helped me pick out, things that I would have rung her to tell her and now can't.

Sometimes it's just that I miss her giving me grief for the stupid things I do daily and would ring her to tell her to make her laugh.

We have just got through her birthday and it was a pretty rough day for us all.  

It's the silly things that hit home the most.  That morning call, we can no longer have, to give her stick for being older than me and find out what she had planned for the day......

My kids getting older and her not sharing it will be hard.  She didn't want kids of her own but borrowed mine whenever she could.  She taught them to cook and be creative and would encourage them to read and draw and paint.
She was just special to them all.

I know she would want me to just get on with it and always do my best and she would tell me when I am in tears that I should be grateful for what I have and appreciate my kids faults and all.  

She was always the person who would put me straight and tell me I was doing a good job whenever I doubted myself as a parent.  Often!!
I miss her every day and always will and I know that life carries on regardless, but, I still wish she was here to talk and confide with.

Everybody needs someone and I needed a big sister and still do.....x x

BEING A MUM

Being a mum is one of the hardest things to be.

It doesn't come naturally to most, as it says it does in the books and printed guidelines.

You love your kids as babies, toddlers and right up till they reach adulthood and beyond.  But, and there is a huge but involved.

There will be times when you don't like them at all.  

I have found that as babies my kids were a joy.  Though I am sure I moaned about them wrecking the house and each other on numerous occasions.  But like all mums when they are exhausted and collapse upon you, next to you or around you, you love them even more.
I was a weird mum as I loved my kids to get dirty and just play as I believe kids should, I didn't chase them about wiping their hands and faces.  They had sweets and biscuits and it didn't do them any harm at all.
But getting back to it.......as toddlers I struggled........they are so fast!! One minute they are in front of you, the next they are gone.

Most mums will know that you have to have eyes in the back of your head to keep up.

All toddlers should come with a warning sticker, or maybe that was just mine!!

I only remember some of it, but I do remember being exhausted most of the time.

Housework got neglected as i struggled to just keep up with them.  Toilet training was a joy as you can imagine with one crawling to see what had been done by the other.  Or my favourite when my son was learning to wee upright my daughter would slam the seat down on him!! resulting in numerous trips to the doctors...oh what fun!!

I sometimes wonder how any of them survived.  My son would wedge pillows under my daughters walker when she was annoying him so she would stay in one place and leave him alone.
To keep her quiet he would give her things to chew, TV remote, car keys, books, anything he could find.

Still they grew up and somehow they have reached their teens.

What can I say, this stage in their life is becoming the hardest.
From trying to get them to eat a meal, however small, to trying to get them to check in on occasion a midst their hectic social calendars.
(As i am writing this the youngest is on her laptop and the middle child has just come in from his sort of girlfriends and the oldest is at the pub (I know this only because I took them and my husband is doing the picking up)).
Mobile phones I find just mean that I get frustrated when they don't answer or text me back!!
I find that I am continually stressing about one catastrophe after another.......it is a blessing to have them.....I have to chant this to myself everyday as my hair goes grey and more worry lines appear on my face.

I love my kids and yes being a Mum is the hardest job in the world, but i wouldn't want to be anything else!!

My Life with Cold Sores

COLD SORES

What can be said its awful.  Anyone who gets them will fully understand.

I suffered with cold sores through out my school life, they started when I was about 7 or 8 years old.
I believe I got them from my grandparents as they both suffered from them.  It only takes you to have contact once and you have them for good, its in your blood as they say.

So growing up was tough, a lot of name calling and being made to feel worse about myself.

I don't even think my parents were really aware of how much it affected me.  They just used to say don't touch it, wash your hands, put your cream on.

I wanted to put a bag on my head and hide most of the time.

I suffered with tonsillitis as a teen as well which just made the problem worse as I became run down and they would emerge.  The thing was I got them on my nose, inside and out, as well as my mouth, so I looked as good as I felt.

Every time I was worried or excited about anything they would appear.  I think they just came when they wanted to ruin an event that was due.

Every party as a teen, one or two would appear on my face, I became expert in putting make up on around them.

Boyfriends were an issue too, because you don't kiss anyone when you have them for fear of passing on the infection.

It could be tough at times, but, I did become stronger for it and tried not to let them ruin my life.

It got to the point when someone would call me a nasty name and I would turn round and say " is that all you have got, do you think I haven't heard that one before or wow that's original".
Its quite hard to do at first but the reaction is priceless, when they realise your not going to run away crying they loose interest and most of the time leave you alone.

But I am very proud of the fact that I have been with my husband for 23 years and have never passed it on to him or any of my three children.  We just used to say to the kids that mummy had a sore bit and they would kiss my head to make me better.

It does seem like the end of the world when your friends don't have them and you do.  But its a part of me now and usually a sign that I am feeling a bit low in myself.

It's like my body waves a big red flag to say slow down a bit.

At 43 I am finally listening and I don't seem to get them as much as I did. x x

I have also written a poem on Wattpad about this topic, if you want to take a look.